You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
