You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
