I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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