The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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