Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it hurts more in the daytime
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
