my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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