I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
