I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
