I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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