2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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