we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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