i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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