So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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