Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
