I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
