and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
