Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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