I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
