I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize