My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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