Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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