whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
