Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
