at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize