So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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