Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
