you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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