I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
