Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
