woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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