Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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