I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
