Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
