Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
