1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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