watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
