How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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