Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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