I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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