Can i not drive my cunt home
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
