I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
