Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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