We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
