The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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