Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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