It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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