There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
are you so shy because you have an std?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
