I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
