oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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