I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
