At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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