My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
