3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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