I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
