I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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