The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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