Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
