In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
